What to do when it’s too cold to go outside

I consult Google for a lot of stuff and most of the time my query auto-completes before I finish typing. It’s always comforting, in a way, to know I’m not the only one looking for clues on how to wall run in Star Wars Jedi Fallen Order or what to substitute for barely in the soup I want to make. Today I googled “What to do when it’s too cold to go outside” because it’s minus everything out there but sunny, and like my cats, I need to be outdoors every day. But when the air hurts your face, it’s just not fun. Ask Jack. He actually rocked back, whiskers twitching, and turned away from the open door. He’s a smart kitty.

Google returned a number of lists of things I might do instead of going outside. None of them solved the problem of how to feel like I was outside when I wasn’t really outside, though. I don’t want to take a nap. I don’t want to watch a movie (although, I kind of do). I’ve been cooking all week, so a bout of happy baking isn’t that enticing. I read a book for an hour this morning with breakfast and I cleaned my house yesterday (it’s fun when you listen to an audiobook at the same time). I danced in the library two days ago. I already spend too much time online. I don’t want any new playlists because I still haven’t figured out how to properly load and shuffle the ones I have. Planning a vacation is depressing when I’m not sure when we’ll get to take one. I got crafty last week making word stars.

One suggestion was to start a blog. I already have a blog… but I haven’t posted much to it this year. So here we are with me complaining about the weather to the world at large. Awesome.

Because it was too cold to walk on Monday, I tried out the exercise bike we got for when my dad visits. The seat was hard and the ride was boring, but time passed a bit more quickly when I messed around on my phone. So I downloaded a mobile game to play while I cycled and managed to get twenty minutes in yesterday while ice rained from the heavens turning everything in my garden to sculpture.

Today I don’t feel like riding the bike and playing the game again. I want to go outside!

Okay, here’s a good one: Research how many degrees you are away from Kevin Bacon.

Five minutes later….

My bacon number is two. I met Tom Cruise in 1985 (very briefly) and Tom Cruise starred in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. (We’re going to overlook the fact I didn’t actually appear in any movies with Tom Cruise.)

You know, I actually thought my number would be higher. If you based it on the number of movies I’ve seen starring Kevin Bacon, it would be.

Oh, this one is interesting: choose a fact to discredit at your next social event!

My fact has to be something to do with aliens. Shush! Of course they’re real.

Twenty-five minutes later…

Holy unidentified flying objects! Did you know that 2019 was a ‘banner’ year for UFO sightings? Make that credible sightings, according to the entirely reputable New York Post. The same article says that in May, the Pentagon admitted to investigating UFOs.

I realize I’m not discrediting anything here, but… aliens.

Half an hour later…

I wasn’t reading more about the aliens. In fact, I just spent twenty minutes looking through stock images for logo ideas and another minute sending those ideas to relevant people. Then I used the balance of the time to center the hangouts pop up on my monitor.

Yep.

Maybe I should go put some actual pants on and see if the day looks any better.

An hour and a half later…

What not to do when it’s too cold to go outside:

1. Have a shower, get all warmed up, and think you can go outside. Actual photo of me doing just this:
2. Related—don’t search YouTube for freezing women. Just don’t.
3. The same goes for ‘someone freezing.”
4. But, if you happen to stumble on a video for frozen humans being brought back from the dead, by all means, watch it.
5. Then stop searching YouTube for anything related to people going out in the snow because the day is wasting and you still haven’t found your sun substitute.
6. Surf weird Facebook groups. You’ll want to join all of them, especially the one where you’re only allowed to say the word ‘egg.’
7. Count the rolls of toilet paper you have stored in the basement. It’s 248 and I really don’t want to explain why I have 248 rolls of toilet paper in the basement. Let’s talk about the cans of beans I have down there instead. There are only five and it’s actually a little disturbing that I have so few cans of beans. I mean, what if the snowpocalypse happens again?????
8. Dress in yesterday’s clothes. Way too depressing.
9. Look outside when it’s snowing even though it wasn’t supposed to snow again today.
10. Wonder why you traded your Australian citizenship for U.S. Citizenship. Oh, wait, I already did that… in November 2016.

You know what? I think I’m going to grab my tablet and play my mobile game on the exercise bike. Then I’m going to cook something hot for lunch. THEN I’m going to watch a movie. Something long and absorbing like Gladiator.

Then I might find all that knitting stuff I bought last winter. And light a fire! In the fire place. Or make the gas thingy work. Ooh, and have some hot chocolate. And just chocolate.

For those of you wondering if I actually do any work, ever, I do! I wrote for three hours this morning before my mojo fled and I checked the weather to see if it was warm enough to go for my usual walk. Then I devoted a couple of hours to this post.

Time well spent? Hey, I wasn’t so sad about the weather while I was writing it.